The Last Samurai Virgin

What do you think of when you see this photograph of Ken Watanabe from The New York Times (courtesy of The Hot Blog)?



Because all I can think of is this:



Which got me wondering what it would look like if they'd gone in a different direction:

Unfortunate Ink Shortage at Automated Box Office

And I'm telling you, I wasn't going to see this

Heart and Soul Plane

You know, for somebody who has nothing but contempt for Hollywood and the people who live and work here*, President Bush sure likes to rip off our movies' soundtracks:

For Bush's final campaign swing, Rove tapped powerful presidential symbols. Bush's arrival for a Thursday rally at the airport in Elko, Nev., was choreographed so the crowd on the tarmac cheered as Air Force One swooped out of the sky to heroic theme music from the movie "Top Gun." When the familiar blue-and-white Boeing 747-200B rolled right up to the rally, the loudspeakers switched to the soundtrack from the film "Air Force One." All that was missing was Harrison Ford.

By the way, does anybody even recognize the score from Air Force One?

And speaking of hypocrites, I wonder if the recent allegations about Rev. Ted Haggard will prompt Magnolia to try to relaunch Jesus Camp, as Rev. Haggard has an extended cameo in the documentary. Though there was a lot of buzz when the film was released in September, its box office has stalled out at less than a million dollars and it never went wider than 52 theaters. This is a movie that everyone should see before Tuesday, if only to be informed of what is going on in this country below the mainstream radar.

Well, it turns out Magnolia has already seized the moment by leaking a brief clip of Rev. Haggard's appearance from the film (there's more of him in the movie than these 42 seconds, and it gets a lot creepier) on YouTube:


*I'm specifically referencing, as I have before, President Bush's 2004 stump speech, where he often led off with something along the lines of:

But it is great to be in a place where people work hard and make a living off the land, raise their families. It's what I call the heart and soul of the country. (Applause.) The other folks believe the heart and soul can be found in Hollywood. I think it's found right here in [insert pandering to state he's in]. (Applause.)

On a personal level, this infuriated me, and I've never forgotten, nor forgiven, it. This wasn't some botched joke. It was a lame, yet deliberate joke and its meaning can't be misinterpreted. But nobody ever called him on the fact that he essentially claimed that everyone in this town is heartless and soulless. Yes, there may be a lot of heartless, soulless people here in Hollywood, but there are heartless and soulless people everywhere (if I'm not mistaken, Enron was based out of the president's hometown of Houston). And there are plenty of good, decent people here in Hollywood as well. People like Patricia Heaton and Jesus Christ Jim Caviezel.

Previously, on The Dish: Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs, Maybe, But Still No Heart and Soul, Giving is its own Award, BUSH DECLARES WAR ON POP CULTURE!

Acropolis Now

The ever-reliable IMDb news reports that Nia Vardalos will be shooting her next cinematic atrocity at the Acropolis:

For the first time in 2,500 years, the Acropolis in Greece will become the setting for a movie.

Trivia Question: Does anybody remember the movie that was shot there 2,501 years ago that "ruined" it for everbody else?

Miami: MIA

Isn't making a movie of Miami Vice and setting less than half of it in the city of Miami a little like making a movie of The Dukes of Hazzard and setting a quarter of it in the big city of Atlanta?

Oh, right....

Coldplay Hates New York Skyscrapers

First King Kong, now World Trade Center. Is there any movie that can't be made more appealing to teenage girls by putting "Fix You" in the TV spots?

You can see the King Kong spot here and the World Trade Center spot by clicking here, then clicking "Enter Site," then "Video," then move your cursor over "Select Video," then click on "TV Spot Four."

Previously, on The Dish: Olive Stone, A New Approach

You, Somebody and Dupree*

Academy Award nominee Owen Wilson. Academy Award nominee Kate Hudson... Academy Award winner Michael Douglas.

Check out this passive aggressive burn in Reuters' analysis of the weekend box office:

Exit polling indicated women made up 58 percent of the audience, a tribute to the appeal of both Wilson and co-star Kate Hudson. Matt Dillon also stars.

Guess that Oscar nomination for playing a finger-raping, over-the-top, ultimately "redeemed" racist did nothing to boost Dillon's appeal with women.

*Having not subjected myself to the film, I don't know whether Matt Dillon played "You" or "Me," but I'll assume his character didn't get top billing over Kate Hudson's.

Previously, on The Dish: mE!ow

Street Fighter II

Mayor Cory Booker, star of the truly excellent Oscar-nominated documentary Street Fight, is apparently also an action hero:

Mayor Booker and his guards left Newark’s City Hall around 12:30 p.m. yesterday for a meeting and stumbled upon what appeared to be a confrontation across the street: a police officer and a man in a standoff on Broad Street. The officer held a gun and the man wielded a pair of scissors...

When a nearby police officer went to help him, the man tried to stab the officer with the scissors, but missed, Mr. Booker said. The officer drew his gun as the suspect was running away.

Mr. Booker, 37, who played tight end on Stanford University’s football team, said, “I took off my jacket and gave chase.”

...When Mr. Booker reached the group, he began shouting at the robber: “Not in our city anymore! These days are over!”

And that's not all! He's got gang leaders plotting to assasinate him! Quick, somebody get Vin Diesel to play him in the movie:


Mayor Cory Booker is fast and furious

For those of you who haven't seen Street Fight, there aren't many options. It barely got a pre-Oscar theatrical release last February (five days on just two screens), it's not available on Netflix or Amazon and PBS' POV - which originally broadcast it last July - has no future airings scheduled. With the exception of the occasional festival screening, it looks like the only way to see this riveting film is to plunk down $14.95 (plus shipping & handling) to order a DVD from director Marshall Curry's official website. Which, if you split it with a friend, is cheaper than a night out at the movies.

Olive Stone

I was surprised to see that World Trade Center is rated PG-13 ("for intense and emotional content, some disturbing images and language"). First, because September 11 seems like R-rated subject matter to me. And second, it's the first non-documentary feature Oliver Stone has directed since his 1974 debut Seizure to receive anything other than an R.

Previously, on The Dish: PG Or Not PG?

Top Fifteen Best Movies Based on TV Series Ever

1. Charlie’s Angels
2. Wayne’s World
3. The Muppet Movie
4. The Fugitive
5. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
6. Strangers With Candy
7. A Very Brady Sequel
8. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
9. The Addams Family
10. George of the Jungle
11. Batman (1966)
12. Beavis and Butthead Do America
13. DuckTales: The Movie – Treasure of the Lost Lamp
14. Mission: Impossible
15. Traffic
15 ½. Office Space

Bloom Man Duo

Why is it that when I look at this photo of Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom...



...all I see is this?



The only thing missing is the Dead Man's Dust.

Previously, on The Dish: Beating Crowe, Blue Man Duo, Elizabethtown Not Fond 'a Jane and Vice Versa

PG Or Not PG?

House Majority Whip Roy Blunt doesn't like the allegations that Facing the Giants, "a Christian-themed movie about a football coach's faith in God," was allegedly "rated PG instead of G due to religious content."

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence."

Now, his use of the word "more" in that sentence suggests that if Christian themes are warranting PG ratings, then gratuitous sex and violence are slipping by in G-rated movies.

Really? Innuendo and cartoon violence, maybe, but gratuitous? How about some examples Rep. Blunt?

And while you're at it, where's the outrage over An Inconvenient Truth's PG branding? The only thing offensive about that film is that it's scary as hell. It's rated PG for "mild thematic elements" while Facing the Giants is rated the same for "some thematic elements." In either case, does a G versus a PG make any difference at all? Doesn't the House Energy and Commerce Committee have better things to spend its, uh, energy on?

Previously, on The Dish: Bigger, Longer and Cut?

I've Created Luthor-ans!

Well, they are both bald...

Surely this casting mistake is the only thing off base in the CAP Movie Ministry's Christian analysis of Superman Returns, right?:

Superman Returns is also a tale of how Lex Luthor (Ben Kingsley), who is now out of prison, again plots and plans to destroy Superman and billions of humans in the process of acquiring -- you guessed it -- land.

Right?:

Isn't there an increasing trend in the prevailing centers of childhood development -- in public schools for example -- to teach that the only safe sex is no sex (not that the school has any business teaching kids about sex in the first place)? If true and if movies really do reflect real life instead of engineer it, shouldn't movies follow suit instead of conflict with it? But then, if movies did truly reflect real life and its apparent trend to teach abstinence, Superman Returns would probably not contain the cohabitation and pregnancy out of wedlock. Now, wouldn't that be a shame?

Even Christopher Moltisanti's not spacey enough to confuse these two

For a somewhat more (surprisingly) reasonable Christian reading of Superman Returns, check out the *gulp* American Family Association.

Previously, on The Dish: Superman-on-Man Love, (pop) Culture (a)War(d)s

The NeverEnding Endings

Is it because The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King made so much money and won so many Oscars (including Best Adapted Screenplay!) that every big popcorn movie these days seems to have four to five endings? I'm looking at you, The Da Vinci Code and Superman Returns!

Middle American Graffiti

Everybody's a critic

Superman-on-Man Love

According to Bryan Singer, Superman "is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made." And after watching Superman II for the first time last night, I'm inclined to think Singer's Superman movie might not be the least heterosexual Superman movie ever made.

Two choice (and bizzaro) quotes from the man in blue tights' second caped escapade:

Lex Luthor (to a fellow inmate): I want my Liberace record back tonight.

And this odd exchange between an astronaut and ground control:

Nate: By the way, Boris and I are getting engaged.
Controller: I had a feeling about you guys when I saw your Rorschach tests.
Nate: Just a little down-home humor there, Houston.

Can somebody who was alive when this movie was made tell me: Are Rorschach tests how they could tell if you were gay before the advent of Coldplay?

Previously, on The Dish: A Little Less Super Bowl, Top Ten Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain


Because when I did a Google Image Search for "gay superman," this was better than any picture of Superman I could find

Educating Ratner

Listen up Brett Ratner: It's time for today's vocabulary lesson.

eve·ry
adj.
1. Constituting each and all members of a group without exception.

And...

one
adj.

4. Being a single member or element of a group, category, or kind: I'm just one player on the team.

So, Brett, which of these words should you have used when you said:

"I feel sort of guilty, because I look up to guys like Spielberg, and I beat every record of his."

In this instance, you should've said one, seeing as how you only beat a single member of the group of Spielberg's records, and not each and all without exception. Because while you (and you alone, with no help from the comic book fanbase or the interest fostered by Bryan Singer's previous X-Movies) managed to beat Steven Spielberg's 9-year-old Memorial Day opening weekend record, there are still many members of the group of Spielberg's records that you did not beat.

For starters: The Lost World: Jurassic Park sold more tickets (thanks to inflation) over its Memorial Day weekend bow than X-Men: The Last Stand (and on fewer screens) and The Lost World had a bigger pre-Memorial Day Sunday (in actual dollars) than X-Men. Spielberg still holds the records for highest grossing director of all time (more than doubling his closest competitor and more than quadrupling Ratner), most movies to gross over $200 million (7 to Ratner's 1), most movies to gross over $100 million (13 to Ratner's 3), most directing Oscars won in the last 13 years (2 to Ratner's 0), most DGA Award nominations and wins ever, and the list goes on and on.

You'd think Ratner would give Spielberg his due, considering how Spielberg gave him a check that helped get him laid.

Previously, on The Dish: Retraction, Big Brother Vocab Lesson of the Week, Gross Negligence

The Godfather: Part Ewww!

On her majesty's secret service

Every time I see the trailer for The Break-Up, I get the creeps... and not because of how Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau have let themselves go in the ten years since Swingers. No, what disturbs me is the part where Judy Davis tells Jennifer Aniston: "Go see Mischa, my personal waxer at the spa. Ask her for the Telly Savalas." Then Aniston, looking at herself naked in the mirror recites Kojak's catchphrase, "Who loves ya, baby?"

Now, Telly Savalas was Jennifer Aniston's godfather. So, you can see how her referring to the waxing of her most intimate of areas by the bald-headed actor's name would be somewhat godincestuous and therefore, creepy.

But hey, at least her godfather wasn't Gabe Kaplan.


Luca Brazilian sleeps with the fishes

Top Twenty Best Summer Movie Seasons of My Lifetime Ever

Inspired by a prompt at The Hot Blog. Titles listed in rough order of awesomeness (with movies I saw in the theater in bold):

1. 1989 (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, Dead Poets Society, Ghostbusters II, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Do the Right Thing, When Harry Met Sally…, The Abyss, The Karate Kid Part III, Turner & Hooch)

2. 1997 (Face/Off, Con Air, Air Force One, The Full Monty, George of the Jungle, My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Breakdown, Contact, The Fifth Element, In the Company of Men, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Hercules, G.I. Jane, Addicted to Love, Men in Black)

3. 1984 (Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, The Karate Kid, The Muppets Take Manhattan)

4. 1990 (Dick Tracy, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Back to the Future Part III, Total Recall, Ghost, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Duck Tales: The Movie, The Freshman, Problem Child, The Witches)

5. 1991 (Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, The Rocketeer, Thelma and Louise, Madonna: Truth or Dare, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Problem Child 2, City Slickers, The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear, Backdraft, Point Break, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead)

6. 1994 (Forrest Gump, Speed, True Lies, The Lion King, Wolf, Natural Born Killers, Maverick, The Client, Fear of a Black Hat, The Mask)

7. 2005 (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Murderball, Batman Begins, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, War of the Worlds, Hustle and Flow, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, Grizzly Man, Cinderella Man, The Island, Mad Hot Ballroom, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Wedding Crashers, Madagascar, March of the Penguins, Bad News Bears, Happy Endings, Me and You and Everyone We Know, The Baxter, The Aristocrats, Pretty Persuasion)

8. 1993 (Jurassic Park, The Fugitive, In the Line of Fire, Dave, Last Action Hero, What’s Love Got to Do With It, Cliffhanger, Much Ado About Nothing, Super Mario Bros.)

9. 2004 (The Terminal, Spider-Man 2, Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, Before Sunset, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Collateral, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Shrek 2, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Napoleon Dynamite, Garden State, The Village, The Day After Tomorrow, I, Robot, Fahrenheit 9/11, DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story, The Stepford Wives, Super Size Me, Maria Full of Grace)

10. 2001 (A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Moulin Rouge!, Shrek, Ghost World, crazy/beautiful, The Fast and the Furious, A Knight’s Tale, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Anniversary Party, The Princess and the Warrior)

11. 1992 (Batman Returns, A League of Their Own, Sister Act, Death Becomes Her, Alien³, Patriot Games)

12. 1998 (Saving Private Ryan, Out of Sight, The Mask of Zorro, Can’t Hardly Wait, Bulworth, Armageddon, The Truman Show, Blade, He Got Game, The Opposite of Sex, Ever After: A Cinderella Story, Slums of Beverly Hills, There’s Something About Mary)

13. 2003 (Finding Nemo, Capturing the Friedmans, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Down With Love, Dirty Pretty Things, X2: X-Men United, Bad Boys II, Seabiscuit, Spellbound, Thirteen, Bruce Almighty, The Italian Job)

14. 1996 (Trainspotting, Independence Day, A Very Brady Sequel, Mission: Impossible, The Frighteners, The Cable Guy, Tin Cup, A Time to Kill, Matilda, Kingpin, Twister, The Great White Hype, The Rock, Lone Star, She’s the One)

15. 1988 (Big, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Die Hard, Bull Durham, The Great Outdoors, Short Circuit 2, Big Top Pee-Wee, New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking, Mac and Me)

16. 1995 (Clueless, Apollo 13, Die Hard With a Vengeance, The Usual Suspects, Batman Forever, Babe, Il Postino, Waterworld, Crimson Tide, Nine Months)

17. 1985 (Back to the Future, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, European Vacation, Teen Wolf, The Black Cauldron, Follow That Bird)

18. 1999 (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Sixth Sense, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Tarzan, The Blair Witch Project, Dick, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Arlington Road, American Pie)

19. 2000 (Gladiator, X-Men, What Lies Beneath, Bring It On, Mission: Impossible II, Scary Movie, Chicken Run, Hollow Man, Shaft, Road Trip, Coyote Ugly, Shanghai Noon, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, The Tao of Steve)

20. 2002 (Minority Report, Unfaithful, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones, Austin Powers in Goldmember, About a Boy, The Kid Stays in the Picture, Road to Perdition, Full Frontal, Spider-Man, The Bourne Identity)

20½. 1981 (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

A Simpler Time

While looking through Box Office Guru's archives, I found this assessment from the turn of the century:

The typically media-shy [Tom] Cruise worked overtime to publicize the blockbuster, which he also produced, granting interviews to morning, daytime, and late night talk shows plus gracing the covers of Vanity Fair and Entertainment Weekly.

Ah, remember when...

I'd also forgotten that Mission: Impossible 2's $57.85 million was, at the time, the third biggest opening weekend of all time. Now that number seems quaint (well, not compared to M:I:III's haul), coming in at number 33 on the (unadjusted for inflation) all time list.


Vanity Fair, June 2000