Silverback Mountain

"You still thinkin' 'bout Naomi?" "No, I'm not thinking about Heath."

Is it wrong that I found the love story between Ann Darrow and King Kong more genuinely romantic and more emotionally involving than the lust story between Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar? Let's compare, Cosmo Quiz style:

WARNING! This post contains MASSIVE SPOILERS (in invisotext)! If you have any interest in seeing either King Kong or Brokeback Mountain, do NOT highlight the invisotext. I promise, it will spoil your potential enjoyment of these films - especially Brokeback Mountain. Even if you don't intend to see them, please, please don't use these spoilers to ruin it for anybody else. If you haven't seen both movies, why not read this post instead?

Okay, you've been warned.
The Meet Cute

Jack & Ennis: Exchange many a furtive glance but nary a word while waiting for the same job interview.

Kong & Ann: She's strung up by island natives as an offering to him.

Verdict: While neither meet is particularly cute, the latter is more unique and memorable. One point for Kong & Ann.

Opposites/Similars Attract

Ennis: Drawn to Jack because he possesses the only other orifices on the mountain (besides the sheep).

Kong: Drawn to Ann because she is the only white woman on the island. And he's apparently got a thing for 'em.

Verdict: Not exactly star-crossed lovers. Let's call this one a draw. No points for either.

Making the First Move

Kong: Puts Ann in his hand against her will.

Jack: Puts himself in Ennis' hand against Ennis' will.

Verdict: Which is more romantic? Abduction or Hand Rape? Another draw. No points for either.
Physical Expressions of Love

Kong: Wrestles Ann from the jaws of a T-Rex.

Jack: Wrestles Ennis from his clothes until his jaw bleeds.

Verdict: This one's easy. One point for Kong & Ann.

Verbal Expressions of Love

Kong: Can't express emotions because he's a monkey.

Ennis: Can't express emotions because he's a man.

Verdict: Another tie. No points.

Inviting In and Showing Off

Ennis: Doesn't want Jack coming into his home; afraid of his wife seeing that he's in the closet. Embarrassed of their relationship, he tries to keep it hidden from the rest of the world.

Kong: Immediately brings her back to his bachelor pad; unafraid of her seeing the skeletons in his closet. Proud of their relationship, he takes her to the top of the tallest building in the city for all the world to see.

Verdict: Another easy one, plus, bonus points for invoking Sleepless in Seattle and thus also invoking An Affair to Remember. Three points for Kong & Ann.

Idea of the Perfect Date

Kong & Ann: A private ice skating session for two.

Jack & Ennis: Sending "Booty Postcards" cross country in the hopes of private sessions.

Verdict: Kong & Ann's date, while less original, is more traditionally romantic, plus bonus points for invoking Rocky and The Cutting Edge, minus bonus points for invoking Serendipity. One point for Kong & Ann.

How Far They Will Go For Love

Ann: Makes quite the climb to the top of the Empire State Building to stand in the way of fighter pilots who are trying to shoot her beloved.

Ennis: Won't make the trek to Texas to see his beloved.

Verdict: Someone needs to listen to some Proclaimers. One point for Kong & Ann.

Fidelity

Kong: Won't settle for just any blonde. Tosses aside many women (literally) who aren't his Ann.

Jack: Will settle for just about anybody. Tosses the salads of many men (figuratively) who aren't his Ennis.

Verdict: Obviously, one point for Kong & Ann.

I Would Die for You

Kong: Dies because of his love for Ann. It was beauty killed the beast.

Jack: Dies because of his love for random man. It was booty killed the Twist.

Verdict: While Jack's death is more tragic in a real life sense, it doesn't do much to sell the whole romantic "love story" angle. One point for Kong & Ann.

Moving On

Ann: Soon after Kong's death, she finds solace in the arms of another man.

Ennis: Soon after Jack's death, he finds solace in the arms of Jack's bloody shirt.

Verdict: I have to give this one to the cowboys. One point for Jack & Ennis.
Final Tally

Jack & Ennis: 1, Kong & Ann: 9

So, that proves, scientifically and without a doubt, that King Kong is by far the more romantic of the two films. Keep that in mind on date night.

"I wish I knew how to quit you!" "Oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah!"