The Hood Old Days

Why have I never heard of this movie before? Somebody alert Dr. James Dobson!

Tyra Puts the Special in Special

So, I'm watching "The Tyra Banks Show Special Preview" (don't judge me) - an infomercial for the supermodel's new talk show - when they cut to voiceover (presumably scripted) by Miss Banks as she takes us on a tour of her hometown. And how does she describe her hometown? Like this:

I'm from Inglewood, California. It's like a suburb of California.

Wow. I knew cities had suburbs, but I had no idea that states did, too. Thanks Tyra!

Don't believe me? Listen to her yourself:

Or catch one of the many, many repeat airings of the special on Oxygen or your local affiliate (in Inglewood, it's UPN 13).

Oh, and I'll definitely be watching The Tyra Banks Show when it premieres on September 12. Because there's a daily segment called "Tyra Gets Real". Tyra: She goes there.


Tyra Banks: Supermodel; of the world

Box Office Disappointment

The only reason I wake up on Saturdays is to check the early box office results. So imagine my dismay when (as of 11:24 pm Pacific) not one, not two, but three of my regular box office analysts neglected to post Saturday updates. Is there some sort of box office tracking flu going around? Did they all assume that The Brothers Grimm wouldn't make a dime? After the worst box office slump in Hollywood's history ever, did they decide together to just pack it all in?

If it weren't for Movie City News (via showBIZ data) and The Numbers, I'd be curled up on the floor in the fetal position, wondering what kind of business The Cave was doing.

Common Sense: MIA

Uh, who's idea was it for the VMAs to return to Miami? In the middle of HURRICANE SEASON?


Miami Wind Machine

As if they didn't have enough problems getting stars to fly south for the summer. Apparently nobody at MTV read my review of last year's low wattage affair:

Speaking of last times, this is probably the last time anyone (besides The Latin Grammys) holds an awards show outside New York or L.A. The star wattage was pretty low. Even nominees and media-whores Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Eminem couldn’t be bothered to make the trip down to Miami. What a lifeless disappointment.

See, I can admit (or copy and paste) when I'm wrong. Now it's your turn, MTV.

Gotta Love The "Dunc Nut"

Coming soon to a T-Shirt near me

Okay, so Battle of the Network Reality Stars isn't quite the monumental achievement in television I was hoping it would be. In fact, it's downright lame. But it's all worth it to hear chants of "Dunc Nut!" - the awesome new nickname that's been bestowed upon Showbiz Dad Duncan Nutter by his reality brethren. I love it!

And even a little Matt Kennedy Gould is better than none at all:

Ironically, "Dunc Nut" sat the Dunking Booth out while the original "Joe Schmo" showed off his "Twelve Pack"

By the way, is "Dunc Nut" in any way related to Wil Steger from The Amazing Race 2? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Ha Ha

Sign #2* that Desperate Housewives is not a comedy: It doesn't re-run well.


*In case you're wondering, Sign #1 is that it's not funny.

"Tabitha, You Fat Lard, Come Get Some Timothy!"

"Melissa is eating her babies!"

Grizzly Man has the potential to be the most quoted movie since Napoleon Dynamite (which I believe I called earlier than most, not to toot my own blog). Granted it won't find near the audience of that indie smash, but there's about a dozen random lines in Grizzly Man that I would love to be able to spout off at parties, cracking up like-minded cineastes. In my fantasy world, even the mere mention of the names Timothy Treadwell bestowed upon his beloved bears ("Mr. Chocolate", "Tabitha") would incite a knowing chuckle. If only anybody had submitted to IMDb's "Memorable Quotes" section - I'm horrible at recalling quotes on my own.

To get a feel for it, check out the trailer. Then go see the movie.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Imitation is the sincerest form of denial

For his first film in four years, Lasse Hallström decides not to stray too far from his comfort zone, at least when it comes to marketing.

Urine Luck!

If you haven't watched R. Kelly's soap opus (or hip-hopera, if you prefer) "Trapped in the Closet" yet, it is an absolute must. It's the most laugh-out-loud bad musical since Val Kilmer's The Ten Commandments.

And if you don't have time to watch all five chapters, a thoughtful person with way too much time on their hands (and way too much funny) has provided Cliffs Notes.

There will be a test.

Daisy Duke Shakes Her Accent

Jessica Simpson is from Texas. She naturally speaks with a Southern accent. So why the hell does she have one of the worst artificial Southern accents in film history in The Dukes of Hazzard? Even Minnesota native Seann William Scott has a (slightly) more authentic twang in the movie.

No More Desperate Housewives

A thought occured to me today:

After the tumultous season finale, there will be no more housewives on Desperate Housewives.

There are multiple definitions on Dictionary.com, but I'm using this one:

house·wife
n : a wife who who manages a household while her husband earns the family income

Susan, the divorcee, hasn't been a wife since before the show premiered, plus she has her own business (I think -- that just sort of popped in out of nowhere). Gabrielle's husband no longer earns any income (and she's not likely to be a wife much longer). Lynette is swapping with her husband, leaving behind the household management while he abandons the family income. And Bree is now more of a housewidow (though I still don't believe that Rex is dead).

Note to Emmy voters: Arrested Development's title not only works, it works on multiple levels. Please take that into consideration.

Iraq the Vote

I try to keep politics out of it here at The Dish, but now I'm begging you for your vote. Please. It's your right and your civic duty as an American. People have died for this right. There are people in the world who don't have this right. So please. Vote. The choice is yours. In fact, you could say, it's "America's Choice".

That's right... "America's Choice" is back on Big Brother, and this is the most important election of our lifetimes. Whereas previous "America's Choice" votes determined trivial matters such as who got a call from home or who got to synergize and appear on The Young and the Restless, this vote decides which of the three evicted Houseguests gets to return to the house for some serious payback and hell raising.

To anybody who's been watching this season, the Choice is obvious: Kaysar. And if you haven't been watching, take my word for it. Even if Kaysar weren't my favorite contestant this year, the process of elimination would dictate his return to glory. His "partner" in the game, Michael, while seemingly a nice guy, was as dumb as, well, Big Brother. It might be tempting to bring him back to see where his romance with Janelle goes, but honestly, her relationship with Kaysar is far more interesting to watch. And as for "Cappy" -- Big Brother is supposed to be a fun summer guilty pleasure. Any more of his toxic self-righteousness and I may just have to do the unspeakable and turn off the TV. Plus, his disciples are already speaking of him as though he were Jim Caviezel... do you really want to fuel their fervor with a resurrection?

So please. I implore you. Whether or not you watch the show, vote. It doesn't matter how uninformed you are. Vote. Vote Kaysar, and vote often (as far as I can tell, voting is unlimited, but be careful: When you hit the Back button, it automatically fills in Eric's bubble).

Less Peacocky

If they mated

An anonymous tipster (we'll call him "Andy S.") sent in this link about NBC suspending its dreaded timeshifting practice, hoping The Dish could squeeze a blog post out of it. Here you go, "Andy", and thanks for writing!

At first I was pleased by this news, as timeshifting has long been a bane in my carefully orchestrated television recording regiment. Then I realized, this is less a gesture of good will meant to bring back the millions of viewers who've disobeyed their "Must See" edict than a concession to their limited drawing power. In the world of timeshifting, might makes right.

This was first made apparent last fall when, after years of bottom-dwelling, success went straight to ABC's head of scheduling. Suddenly, they were in the time-shifting business that NBC had engineered back in the days when people used to watch it. They extended the running times of Desperate Housewives and Lost because they could.

But now NBC realizes that C.S.I. ranks higher on most TiVo-users' Season Pass priority lists than E.R., so that even if E.R. is more desired than its on-the-rise, direct timeslot competitor Without a Trace, it won't be recorded because its 9:59 start time overlaps with C.S.I. for one minute. Look who's getting screwed by timeshifting now.

Still, worse than timeshifting are all the networks (mostly cable) that regularly overrun their scheduled times without alerting the good people at TiVo. FX, MTV and Comedy Central are the worst offenders as I've repeatedly missed the last minute or two of The Shield, Rescue Me, The Real World, Reno 911!, Stella and The Daily Show (don't cry for me, I've figured out how to extend their recording times, but it's still a nuisance). In May, The WB angered Gilmore Girls fans when that show's season finale ran 30 seconds long, thus preventing DVR addicts from seeing the proposal that the network had been hyping all week (for once I was happy to be on vacation from my TiVo).

So thanks, NBC, but it's too little, too late. The damage has already been done. But give me back the 59 minutes you stole from me on May 19 and then you might earn a little good will.

Rita Relapse

Alky Rita's panty raid

I didn't recognize her, but thanks to the Comments at TVgasm, I now know that Rita, "The Drunk" from Joe Schmo 2 was on Reno 911! last night... playing a drunk. Apparently, she's also the hostess on The 70s House. I've managed to avoid that show, but I may have to check it out now. It's good to see that Joe Schmo is helping its talented cast find work.

To Freeze or Not to Freeze?

I now present a moral/ethical question:

Is it right for me to purchase Batman & Robin (as part of the Motion Picture Anthology DVD box set) in order to save $1.05?

So. Many. Jokes.

Brain. Exploding.

Gross

While it surely played to packed houses this weekend (the 7:55 Sunday night show I attended was packed), I have to wonder whether The Aristocrats would have placed as high on this list of Top Weekend Theater Averages if one of its four screens wasn't The Arclight, where tickets to all but two shows this weekend cost a whopping $14 (according to Box Office Mojo, the national average is $6.40)

And now ten comedians I would have liked to have seen featured in The Aristocrats:

1. Eddie Murphy
2. Bill Cosby
3. Woody Allen
4. Jerry Seinfeld
5. Chevy Chase
6. Richard Pryor
7. Dave Chapelle
8. Roseanne
9. Jim Carrey
10. Martin Lawrence
10½. Bonnie McFarlane

Also: Larry David, Howard Stern, Mel Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Janeane Garofalo, Albert Brooks, Denis Leary, Ray Romano, Paul Reubens and, uh, Paula Poundstone