All the Reality Girls

Thursday night was a tough one for me and for two of my three summer reality girlfriends, Bonnie McFarlane of Last Comic Standing and Holly King, Queen of Big Brother 5 (if Ingrid Wiese from Joe Schmo 2 hadn’t risen from her “eviction” like a phoenix, I would probably be downing sleeping pills right about now).

From her very first audition on Last Comic Standing, Bonnie was my favorite. Yes, I found her physically attractive, but even more appealing to me was her wit and intelligence (and okay, I’m not gonna lie, her embracing of her inner bitch). I was appalled when she was the first Comic let loose. I can’t understand why nobody in America seems to think she’s funny, but it kind of makes me happy, because it makes me feel like our bond is even more special (I know, now I sound like Bryce from Joe Schmo 2). As if that doesn’t make me seem like a stalker, I called six times (the maximum I could from my two phone lines, thanks to Last Comic Standing’s Un-American Idol voting policies) to vote for her in the Wild Card battle, in part so I could hear her say in that delicious voice: “Hi, I’m Bonnie McFarlane. Thanks for voting for me. Obviously, you’re a very special person.” I would dial a 900 number just to hear her say that to me over and over. Bonnie, you are a very special person, and I’ll miss you. At least I have your website, these gloriously biting essays and the hope that you’ll appear at a comedy club near me so I can bring you flowers. To paraphrase Fight Club (the original version): Bonnie, I want you to have my abortion.

Ah, what else can I say about Holly? She’s truly a magical creature who brings hope in an otherwise grim world – like a unicorn! Every time she opened her mouth on the show, she brightened my day and my life with her effervescent spirit and purity. Yet, even on this sad occasion of her banishment, I can find meaning. Sadly, I’ve watched as she’s been roped in and seduced by the gruesome twosome of Jase and Scott (not to be confused with the star of Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story) – two of the most loathsome “human beings” ever presented on reality television. And so, her eviction serves a greater purpose – it was quite possibly the biggest mistake the ridiculously named “Four Horsemen” could have made and will most likely lead to their demise in the House. She was banished for their sins.

At least both of these reality dream girls live in Los Angeles, meaning that someday they may become my real-life dream girls. Why, just today I saw Bonnie’s co-star Gary Gulman (who’s even taller in person – if you can believe it) out and about town, so it’s really only a matter of time…